100 Pound Loss

I’m sure this post will mean that tonight I’ll hear the dreaded “moo,” but I think sometimes I’m one of the only fat women I know who doesn’t get nasty remarks thrown at her by unevolved jerks. These jerks (and they are everywhere– on the streets, in the line at the grocery store, and of course, online in droves) make it their life’s mission to make sure that, if they think you’re fat, that you know it.

“Moo!” you might hear, walking down the street some day. It’s a far cry from the horn-honking a slender pretty girl might get (or the horn honking I used to get in college when I had lost my freshman 15 and was walking 3 miles a day).

“Move it, fat-ass” in the grocery store. Because heaven help you if you’re taking your time to read the labels, right?

And the countless sneers and side-ways looks…. well, fat women know them all, don’t we?

Sort of. See, I know them, but not recently. I have all the symptoms of being fat– the scale doesn’t lie, although I haven’t looked in a mirror recently enough to know if that does (another symptom!) I wear a size 22 jeans (and am gladly out of the 24s!) But it’s been a very long time since I heard any snarky remarks from strangers. In fact, the closest thing I’ve had was my grandmother, quietly informing me that I’d gained some weight and should try not to gain any more.

Instead, I’ve noticed myself filling them in instead. “Oh, I can’t do that,” I’ll say out loud, in public, referring to diving off the diving board. “I’m too fat!” My niece giggles, but she insists I try. “Well, if that isn’t a skinny girl’s outfit!” I’ll exclaim pointing to a baby-doll T shirt.

I was out to dinner a couple of weeks ago with a woman who is funny and nice and has that zing! sense of humor that I love. We were talking about some activity, and she all of a sudden said “yeah, but have you seen my ass? You can’t miss it!” And I paused, suddenly uncomfortable, because, yeah, I had seen her ass. You really can’t miss it. It’s… well, she has the unfortunate “bubble butt” going for her. Her butt probably looks awesome when she’s at her ideal weight, but when she’s heavy, it balloons outward and you can rest a soda can on her backside.

Me, I have the opposite problem. No matter how much weight I gain, my butt retains the roundness of your average plank of wood. I round out sideways, through the hips, down the thighs, and plenty in the front (both up and down). But I’m draggin’ nothing in my wagon.

But my discomfort over her remark made me realize how uncomfortable I’ve probably made other people when I baldly embrace my fatness. I’m not trying to do that, nor do I think I’m fishing for compliments. What I think I’m trying to do is acknowledge my own reality, to say “yes, this is who I am, and I am not afraid of it.” As I am comfortable with my height– a physical feature which I cannot control, would like to be different, and which will never change– I want to be comfortable with the rest of my size. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to change my size. But I want to be it. I want to feel that I own my fat. If I don’t own it, then I can’t really get rid of it, can I?

But then I wonder if I don’t say these things because nobody else will. Nobody says to me “you’re fat” when I’m in the grocery store. Or perhaps they do, and I don’t realize it. I think if someone said something bald-faced like that that wasn’t, taken literally, insulting, I would just reply “Yes. Yes, I am.” Because I know my own truths. But something genuinely hurtful? Like “moo?” Well, for “moo,” I would giggle and reply “Baa!” because (a) if we’re playing barnyard games, let’s play, and (b) anyone who thinks mooing at a fat woman is funny is probably a mindless sheep.

So, either I don’t hear these comments because I make them myself, or maybe I don’t hear them because I don’t project that sense of vulnerability that these monsters need to poke at. I suppose if I were slender and felt insecure about my fashion sense, they would attack that, instead. Or my glasses. Or my age. I know these kinds of remarks are a reflection of the person making them. So what does it say when that person is me?

This is the end of a first week of Weight Watchers Core Program. So far I haven’t killed anyone because of my lack of carbs, and I have actually eaten more fruits and vegetables than I ate all summer. I have lost 6 pounds, eaten out twice, and am still drinking lattes; I have discovered that Safeway’s store brand of cottage cheese is not very good–watery and has lousy flavor (they have great produce though), but Knudson’ taste pretty good. I have also discovered why not too many people eat fat free anything; nevertheless, I like the direction of the numbers on the scale. This is one time I like being a loser. The second week of any diet is coming. Usually, the second week is when I don’t lose and I cheat. So this will be the big challenge. I’ve been using Julia Cameron’s book The Writing Diet: Write Yourself the Right Size , which I hope to read some more. One thing she has helped me rediscover is my love of sewing.

Well I don’t want to make this a blah, blah, blah blog, so tune in for next weeks update.

Jane of the Santa Clara County Jungle

Yesterday, I decided that breakfast should be eggs, instead of my normal bowl of cereal. Just eggs– no toast, no bread, no grits, no bacon. Eggs.

By noon, I was ready for some carbs, but lo and behold! I had none ready to go. I completely forgot about the potatoes sitting in the fridge waiting to be eaten, so lunch was a cup of yogurt and some fruit.

I was so draggled by the lack of carbohydrates, in fact, that I took a 45 minute nap in the middle of the afternoon. I was beat, worn out– my day job requires me to use my brain, and I just couldn’t muster the energy!

Dinner was chili, with milk and sweet popcorn (sweetened with cinnamon) for dessert. By the end of the night, I was feeling “up” enough to solve puzzles and make jokes.

Carbs are brain food. They’re necessary for brain functioning and problem solving, and they’re crucial fuel for the long haul. By shortchanging my carbs in the morning and at lunch, I hindered my own ability to work my job and be a productive individual.

In the Weight Watchers Core plan, carbs are severely limited, and with good reason. Carbs are very high in fast, easy calories, and they’re often combined with other fattening things (like butter on popcorn). This combination makes it hard to keep your body from getting as much fuel (calories) from the carbs and, because they’re an easy food to metabolize, storing it in fat.

Carbohydrates are probably the best example of my need for moderation. I’m what I like to call a “carb eater.” If I don’t eat some carbohydrates, I am miserable. My diet regimen is never so pitiful as it is when I’m not allowed any bread or pasta. What’s more, if I don’t have some carbs in my diet, I will find them outside my plan– either by sneaking or cheating!

I think yesterday’s example shows, to me at least, that skipping a carb in the morning is a bad idea if I don’t have a plan to include them in lunch.

I can’t really catalog all the bad food choices I made yesterday. It started with breakfast and ended with dinner. I made some good choices, too, but yesterday… there was stress. There was family drama and a half a bag of cheese popcorn disappeared before I knew it. I woke up feeling sick, and discovered by the end of the night that I’m coming down with something. Ugh! I suppose in retrospect I made better choices than I really expected, but coming on the heels of a rather point-licious night out with my stepmom and second cousin…. it was bad. Real bad.

What I want to talk about today is that whole “coming down with something” problem. If you’re a 100-pound-loser, you have probably had this happen to you in one form or another:

You start a weight loss program. Things go really well in the first week– phenomenally so! You optimistically plan to attend your 15th college reunion.

Three weeks later, just about when your weight loss starts to slow down and stabilize into a healthy 2 lbs/week, you wake up in the morning with a sore throat. You can’t believe it– what rotten luck! You’re supposed to be getting healthier! You ask why you should have the rotten luck to get sick right now, when you want to feel your best!

Here’s the secret: it’s not luck.

Your body is a cruel thing. It likes you to be at the weight you’re at. It’s perfectly comfortable where you are right now, eating too much of too many foods that are not good for you. When you lose weight, your body rebels in many curious ways and tries to sabotage your success. These are particularly common in the first 2-4 weeks of a new weight loss program, but they also often happen when you’re heading into a plateau:

• You get sick. This is one of the most common saboteurs, and it’s the worst, because it’s entirely biological. Your body’s immune system can simply stop fighting quite so hard. Sure, maybe that’s because it’s adjusting to new fuel sources or amounts. Or maybe, there’s a little army of your immune system that’s sitting around saying “hey! Where’s the cheese popcorn!”
• Cravings. You crave something specific, like chocolate-covered pretzels. For me the cravings are usually from two cravings/flavors groups, like sweet+salty, or spicy+fatty.
• Injury. A companion to getting sick, when you start an exercise program, it’s common to feel sore in the first couple of weeks, or even injure yourself. Remember to take everything slow. Weight Watchers doesn’t even recommend starting a new exercise program until a few weeks into the program to give your body and mind time to adjust.
• Forgetfulness. Ever have this happen early in a diet? You’re going about your business and at the end of the day, you sit down to journal your food and you literally cannot remember what you ate? That’s because your mind sabotaged even your journalling! Or you’re already holding the bag of McDonald’s before you remember that you did, in fact, start your new program yesterday. How’s this happen? Again, internal sabotage!
• Inconvenience. Suddenly, your week looks busier than last week. Did you really commit to carpool every day this week? Are you seriously planning to tackle three new projects by Monday? Part of this has to do with your mindset: when you start a new program, your mind is ready to start something new, and it can be easy to overcommit when you’re in that mode of thinking. But again, part of this is because you’re glaring down the barrel of a celery stick, and your subconscious mind knows that if you have a busy schedule, you’ll give yourself some slack on the whole diet thing.

What can you do about it? Well, if you’re a parent, you’ll recognize the signs of rebellion and malingering pretty well. Feeling sick? Got injured? Get your ass into a doctor! You should be starting a weight loss program with your doctor’s advice anyway, so make an appointment to see one! Oh, really? You say you’re maybe not that sick after all? Aha! Malingering!
For cravings, you have to keep a really solid food journal for this one, because there are times when you have to feed the salty-snack demon. But you can feed the demon with salted, low fat popcorn rather than pretzels, if you’re paying attention to the flavors you crave, not specifically the food items.
Warning: There are some cravings that are not simple flavor cravings. These are chemical dependencies, from caffeine to alcohol to sugar to MSG. If you are a coffee drinker, do not give up caffeine in the first week of your weight loss program– if you’re a smoker, now is not the time to stop smoking. You can only work on one addiction at a time, so pick the most damaging one to your health, work on it for 6 months to a year (depending on severity), and then move onto the next one. For food additive addictions, like MSG and sugar, you can get the monkey off your back through your new weight loss program.
For forgetfulness and inconvenience, you’re going to have to take a look around you, streamline your process, and tie a string around your finger. I am not kidding about the string. You must have some way to remind yourself, as you are out and about, that you’re doing this amazing thing to improve your self and your health. If that means a string around the finger, so be it!
For the convenience factor, take every possible shortcut to having healthy foods ready-to-go, and learn how to say “no.” But also, remember that “it’s inconvenient” is an excuse for eating poorly; you know you can make better choices, so make them! Remember: there will always be something that can be put in your way to a healthy lifestyle. Your job is to leap over or kick down those obstacles.

My best friend Jane and I struggle over our weight together. Jane is older than me by a couple of years, and she’s therefore battled her weight longer than I have, and her lifestyle and work schedule are the perfect combination for sabotaging any diet plan. When push comes to shove, though we both have similar problems with weight and eating, and we have just about the same amount to lose.

Yesterday, I told Jane about my almost-5-lb. loss last week, and told her that Weight Watchers Core had been the plateau buster. She listened to me explaining how tough it had been and what I’d had to do, but she also listened to how effective it was and how, when it got down to it, I was able to stay on the diet if I was smart and careful.

A few hours later, she called me back.

“So, I’m trying to figure out this Core thing. What about a latte?”

“A fat-free latte is free. It’s a Core food.”

“What?”

“It’s free– you don’t have to use your weekly Flex points for it.”

“I’m SOLD!”

You see, her sugar-free vanilla skinny grande latte on the Flex plan was costing her about 5 points a day. On Core, she could have that indulgence every day and never have to pay the points. All the other foods were manageable for her. She doesn’t drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble, or have irresponsible sex. She sacrifices every day of her life for the people around her, but every day, she likes to go to a coffee shop with a notebook and pen and spend a few minutes writing and thinking and centering on herself. After raising 3 boys on her own and juggling two full-time careers, who can really blame her? The only vice in her life was finally being given to her for free.

“But it has to be fat free milk, you know.”

“Oh, Stephanie,” she replied. “I haven’t tasted regular milk in 20 years.”

With 9.5 points left for the week, I went to dinner at a friend’s house last night. This is a friend who I’ve known for about 14 years, went to college together, and saw him through his divorce. Now, he’s remarried to a wonderful woman and has 2 children.

Anyway, between his wife’s diet restrictions (no garlic) and my new diet/lifestyle, choosing a dinner was difficult. We had a bottle of wine we’d brought with us, so I already knew 2 points were going to wine.

There was a nice, healthy, grilled chicken salad option, which would have been point-free.

There was a veggie pasta option, which would cost points.

I caved. I ordered the pasta.

My victory for the night was only eating 1/4 of the enormous garlic bread roll (it was the size of a subway sandwich), and only eating about a cup of the pasta.

I’m out of points– they reset tomorrow, so I have to be on track today.

I’m also down another.8 lbs today from yesterday. I don’t need to weigh daily or anything, but I’m doing so right now just to see if any particular foods trigger inflammation/water gain more than others.

Here in Weight Watchers Core plan land, I’ve had a bit of a snag this week. We’ve utterly failed to get ourselves out to the grocery store, so we’ve been doing our usual dining out/to-go, and accommodating both my new diet, my dad’s sugar-centered preferences, and my stepmother’s low-wheat diet… we’ve had more than a little challenge here and there.

We’ve found that Thai restaurants are better than Chinese for finding plain vegetables and brown rice options. Boston Market was a good option last night– it’s possible to get green beans, steamed veggies, and brown rice in your side dish options. You just have to be willing to skip over the creamy sweet potatoes to get there.

We got a bag of grapes and I tossed them into the freezer as a potato chip substitute. This week, we’ve been doing a lot of work in the attic, and it’s hot, hot, hot! We’ve been drinking plenty of water, but it’s been like a daily 3-hour sauna for the past couple of days. Today’s rainy, which helps cool everything off.

I’ve been a Weight Watchers Flex plan member for years, ever since they rolled out the program, really. Today, I decided to switch to the Core plan. This was a good time to do so. We have almost nothing to eat in the house, so the next grocery trip we take, we can get almost all Core-happy foods. Plus, hubby was doing the “what’s on the banned list” and I’ve always had trouble answering this on Flex. On the Flex plan. nothing is banned. I can eat chocolate sundaes all day, as long as I don’t eat more than 27 points worth of them.

But on Core, the sundaes are not on the list. The basics of Core are:

Whole fruits and vegetables are OK. Lean meats are OK. Fat free dairy is ok (just for the plan, not for the actual taste of them). Fat-free/low-sugar condiments are OK. Whole grains without processing or flour is OK. Coffee is OK (even fat-free lattes are OK). Everything else costs points.

Which means last night, when my family ordered Thai food carry-out, my brown rice and veggie-tofu meal was OK. I ate one portion of it and, after a few minutes, decided I was still hungry enough for more. After eating a second portion, I felt too full. My stepmother is a wise woman and suggested that, next time, if I eat just the veggies and not the rice, I won’t feel so stuffed, but I will still feel full.

And in the miraculous transformation that is known as “leaving room for dessert,” when my family busted out a bunch of fudge, including peanut-butter fudge (my favorite), I went into the kitchen and found I had a little more room in my stuffed tummy for a nice, healthy, no-point banana.

You know what? It was delicious. And this morning, I weighed 215.8, down almost 2 pounds from Wednesday. I know this first week’s fluctuations are the result of water weight and swelling/inflammation, not real fat loss. But it often feels like about 10 pounds are that awful water/inflammation weight, and I would just as soon have it gone, thanks.

I have also had a headache for 2 days. I’m not sure it’s related to the diet, though.